He likes you one minute. He ignores you the next. Your brain’s a mess wondering, “What is he thinking when he ignores you?” Did you just imagine that he’s into you? Or did you piss him off? When things were just going super great with a man, sudden absence of contact can throw your head into a tailspin.
This article assumes you’re not yet in a relationship with a man. If you’d like me to write an article on why your boyfriend or husband is ignoring you, let me know in the comments 😀
We get caught up in what a man thinks of us. But before I get to that part of the article, let’s examine what it says about HIM and what you should think about HIM.
First… why do you care?
- Do you care because if he is ignoring you, he didn’t really like you after all and your life is over now? OR… he is ignoring you because he DOES like you, and he doesn’t know what to do about his newfound feelings for you?
- Do you care because you said something to upset him… even though you probably didn’t.. and even if you did, isn’t HE being equally insensitive and immature by ignoring you?
- Do you care because you suspect he is playing games with you and you want the upper-hand and “have control” over the situation again?
- Do you care because you want to fix whatever wrong you did so he can give you attention again?
If we get down do it, the REAL reason we want to know is so we can ultimately get his attention again. We’re sometimes man attention whores. We want a man to make us feel good about ourselves! We want a man to say, “It’s not your fault, we’re still good.”
The truth is… if you care what he thinks of you… if you stress about how he perceives you… if you worry over if you’re “good enough” for him… HE is holding the power of this relationship.
Not an empowering position to be.
Second… it’s rather narcissistic of you to assume he’s ignoring you has anything to do with you at all.
Your blunt friends may straight out tell you,
“If he’s interested in you, he wouldn’t be ignoring you.”
“If he loves you, he wouldn’t be ignoring you.”
If you’re reading and re-reading your last responses to him for clues why he has stopped contact.. if you’re anxious and nervous that you did something wrong…
You’re worrying over the WRONG things.
There’s a whole host of reasons why he’s not messaging, most of which as NOTHING to do with you.
Here’s a list of reasons a man is not in regular contact and what he’s really thinking:
1. He Has Major Stresses He’s Too Ashamed to Tell Anyone
A man is not without drama.
He’s probably thinking: “I’m getting evicted… I have exams to finish in 24 hours and I haven’t even started… My mum just found out she has cancer… I can’t find a job and I feel like a loser…”
When there’s a major stress in one’s life, the first instinct to do is to RUN or HIDE. The last thing someone wants to do is be a social butterfly or chat up girls.
On the Maslow hierarchy of needs, which is very cool by the way, you’ll see the basic human needs listed in order of priority.
The most BASIC of needs is at the bottom. These are the Physiological needs related to staying alive, like breathing, eating and sleeping.
The next level up is security or safety. You’ll notice that relationships are on the next rung of the ladder. In other words, a man needs to feel SECURE before he’ll care about having a woman in his life.
And as much as you want to be that girl he calls to confess his deep feelings to… a lot of guys won’t feel comfortable to.. at least not in the beginning.
A man may feel stressed due to a number of reasons.
- Suddenly losing his job
- Suddenly losing a close family member
- Needing to be evicted or kicked out of a community
- Failing his exams or failing to get a job
- His current relationship isn’t working out
You could argue, “But last week when I spoke to him he seemed happy like nothing was wrong.”
Here’s something to keep in mind:
“People will show you what they want to show you.”
It would be great if everyone’s true thoughts could be written on their faces. But man, can you imagine? I think the world would look like a more boring version of The Walking Dead. Most people are either stressed about something in the future or unhappy about their current situation.
As much as you want people to be honest with you. Let’s be real. We are not 100% honest either.
Sometimes putting on a happy face and making someone else smile is the ONLY good part of the day!
2. He Isn’t Even Aware He’s “Ignoring” You
It’s a mistake to assume every man is the same. It can be misleading to get advice from a man OTHER than the man you want answers from.
Some men are very communication heavy and like to be in constant contact. Ask these men for advice and they’d say this guy isn’t interested or chatting up ten other women.
Some men are happy to chat once a week and you don’t exist the other 90% of the time. Ask these men for advice and they’d tell you you’re being paranoid and to wait another week.
Does it mean he isn’t interested in you? Does it mean he IS interested in you?
No and no.
What is important is a regular pattern of contact – whether it’s once an hour, once a day or once a week.
But, if you notice a drastic change in pattern. From once a day to once a week! OR if he drops off the face of the earth for weeks or months… my counter argument is,
“Why are you counting the number of days or weeks he hasn’t contacted you in the first place?”
And “If he isn’t giving you what you want, why are you entertaining this guy at all?”
We must take responsibility for the choices we make. If we’re constantly in reaction to the things men do or not do to us, we’re passive and weak.
Women complain about being treated like sex objects to men. But the truth is, men will treat you how you want to be treated.
If you act passive and accept the scraps a man throws your way, you’re objectifying yourself.
The good news is, you’re in the control of this behavior. At any moment in time you can say, “No.”
“No, I have better things to do than talk to him.”
“No, I’d rather call up a girlfriend and watch scary movies than try to get this guy’s approval.”
“No, he may be messaging me, but I feel anxious when I don’t hear from him. I’m not bothering with him anymore.”
I get it. It’s not easy ladies. It’s hard to cut off a drug addiction, and toxic love is akin to a drug addiction!
3. He Is Scared to Message You Due to His Own Insecurities
I’m sure men will send me hate mail for this. In fact, there was a small uproar when I posted this video on “2 Things Women Need to Know About Men”. In the video I talk about how men are afraid to approach women.
Not surprisingly some (not all) men didn’t like the video. Due to their fragile egos, they couldn’t accept the idea of being vulnerable in any shape or form and reflected the blame back onto women. Be careful not to date a man like this, he will never admit he’s wrong and always put the blame on you.
Most men are insecure. They would never ADMIT they’re insecure, but they are. They’re human like you and me. And if there’s a situation that threatens them or puts them in harms way, they’re likely to avoid it.
Even if a man really likes you, he may try every trick in the book to talk himself out of contacting you.
This is more true if:
- He’s been deeply wounded in the past and he’s scared of intimacy.
- He thinks you’re “too good for him” and he never thought he could get a girl like you.
- He’s socially awkward and insecure around women in general.
With all this in mind, a shy man will STILL contact if he is interested in a woman. The best way to avoid confusing a man who is shy with a man who isn’t interested, is to give him plenty of confidence that you’re into him.
If he’s still not biting then it’s time to move on!
4. He Leads a Busy Life & Doesn’t Want to Be Too Intrusive
Sometimes busy people with busy lifestyles find it hard to make time to date. Often these types are very independent, hold a great deal of responsibility and prefer their alone time.
Your man may simply believe that everyone is busy like he is and therefore communicate very infrequently. It doesn’t mean he isn’t interested or has lost interest.
Dating a busy executive type can be challenging. You need to be used to being on your own. Often you have to accommodate their schedule. It comes with the territory. If it’s not something you’re cut out for, you’ll want to consider dating someone with less responsibility and more free time.
5. His Logical Brain Is Stopping Him
Men, in general, are more logical and practical than women. He may find you extremely attractive. He may really like you as a person. He may really like the idea of dating you. But if he sees obvious roadblocks to a stress-free, easy-ride of a relationship with you, he’s probably not going to bother.
Here are perceived roadblocks:
- Distance. Now or in the near future. If he is moving away, changing jobs, travelling for more than 6 months OR he lives far from you, he’s not going to envision a relationship. To his logical mind he won’t see the point in pursuing something that wouldn’t work. (Note: if he is pursuing you despite there being a distance, I’d be cautious as to why? Why wouldn’t he date someone locally? Use logic here. It’s not sexy but often works to avoid toxic men and relationships in general.)
- Difference in values. It may include religious differences, cultural differences and lifestyle differences… although many couples defy these differences and lead happy relationships; some people DO take these factors seriously. Men with the “perfect 10/10 partner” syndrome will find it hard pursuing someone that appears less than perfect. Of course, they will discover that no one is perfect, but you’ll be happily moved on by then.
- Wrong timing. Some men have this idea they need to stay single and fool around before settling down. There’s nothing wrong with that. Women have this mindset too. However, that doesn’t mean these types won’t develop crushes on people. He may be extremely attracted to you but if he wants to remain single and unattached, let him. He wouldn’t make a very good boyfriend anyway.
6. Another Girl Has His Immediate Attention
I admit, this one sucks. No one wants to be second best. We don’t want to lose to someone else because they’re prettier, smarter, slimmer, more interesting, more [anything] than us.
It’s a blow to our self-esteems. And despite wanting to not care, the truth is, we do.
Instead of feeling lousy about of it, here’s a better way to think of it:
- If you’re not his FIRST pick, he’s doing you a favour by ignoring you. You don’t want to waste time on men who choose you just because nothing better is out there.
- He’ll discover that girl is a psycho and when he comes back hoping for a second chance, you’ll be happily dating someone who DOES think you’re amazing.
- It’s a blessing that he chose someone else because if you dated you might have dumped him anyway. Perhaps this is fate telling you a better guy is out there and you need to stay single for him!
- A special and unique woman will naturally NOT be able to please every guy. The fact he couldn’t recognize your uniqueness, means he’s ordinary and undeserving of you. You’re at least free to find a guy who IS deserving of you.
Don’t despair girl! Even the hottest, richest, more successful celebrities get rejected every now and then. What’s important is that you don’t let the rejection DEFINE you.
Stay true to who you are. Don’t waver on that. Many people won’t see your value. That’s ok. You don’t need those people in your life. You only need a few who DO and cherish them greatly.
Are you seeing someone who is ignoring you right now? Does any of these points resonate with you?
I’d love to hear from you and get your feedback.
I’m constantly looking for challenging questions women run into while dating… if you have a question of your own, I’d love your input!
Simply hit the Comment button and leave me your questions below.