Men can be cryptic about their true feelings . Is he into you? Is he not into you? Oh why does it have to be so confusing? Well let’s clear this up. Here’s some practical tools to know for sure if he’s into you.
Most men will not come out and say, “I like you” or “I want you to be my girlfriend”. If a man’s into you, he’s going to play a cryptic dance instead. He’s more likely to make you GUESS his true intentions. The reason men do this (and women too) is twofold.
- To protect being rejected and keep his ego in tact. (In case you DON’T like him).
- To make you want him more! (Because it’s human nature to be intrigued by a mysterious man)
A simple way to understand this is to take the example of how “friendships” are formed. It’s more natural for two people to become friends though a series of actions. It’s more weird for someone to ask: “Will you be my friend?”
Dating is very much the same. A man is NOT going to come out and tell you explicitly how he feels about you.
He will, however, give you a series of clues through his actions.
The more accurately you can read his signals, the faster you can spot the RIGHT guy (and avoid all the wrong ones).
Do not think of this as some kind of burden (Oh no, I have to try to figure men out!).
Instead, think of it as developing your social skills. The better you can read people, the easier time you will have in life and relationships.
When I was putting this list together, I was conscious of two types of men:
- The man who is into you – for the RIGHT reasons
- The man who is into you – for the WRONG reasons
Pay attention to both. By the end of this article, I will show you why you need BOTH types in your life.
Ok, let’s get into it. Here are 7 signs he’s into you – for the RIGHT (and wrong) reasons.
1. Consistent Pattern of Attention From Him
It’s common sense if a guy’s into you, he’ll give you attention. But what exactly is the nature of that attention?
A gradual escalation of attention signals a good guy with good intentions. This is normal. You’re not going to marry someone the first day you meet them. Similarly, a guy shouldn’t be bombarding you with love messages, relationship talk or excessive amount of attention upon first meeting you.
The former is normal. The latter isn’t. If a man acts outside the norm, this is a red flag. It probably means he has hidden intentions and you should be wary.
Gradual escalation should also apply to physical contact. If he has just met you and he’s super touchy feely, he may be into you, but it’s not for a relationship.
Look for slow and consistent. Avoid fast and sporadic.
2. He initiates contact 7 out of 10 times.
When a man is into a woman, he will happily initiate 70%+ of the time. If you’ve been initiating a large percentage so far, I suggest dialing back and see if he increases the contact to about 70%.
In my experience, it’s a very accurate measurement of interest.
It will take self-discipline, but it’s worth finding out. Even if a man is extremely shy, busy or used to women chasing him – if he’s into you, he will initiate MORE than you.
In particular if you’re dating an alpha male. Alpha males expect and prefer to be the one chasing. If he isn’t chasing, his interest may not be high enough.
Step-by-Step How to Calculate this:
Count up the total number of personal conversations you’ve had. (A conversion is one session of dialogue back and forth – continuing the conversation the next day still counts as ONE session).
Now count how many of these he initiated and how many you’ve initiated.
The higher the total count, the more accurate the assessment.
You’ve counted 3 conversations in total. He initiated 2 times out of 3. The total here is too low. He may be into you or he’s just lonely/bored/or seeking information. Need more information to know for sure.
3. He invests MORE effort than you.
Get out a piece of paper and pen.
Give him a +1 score for each of the following:
- Initiated asking you out on a proper date (friendly dates also count)
- Planned the date himself
- Offered to pick you up for the date
- Offered to PAY on the date
- Offered to walk you home or drive you home
- Sent a message after your date asking if you “got home safely”
- Changed plans to accommodate you
- Tries to impress you (making you laugh, boasting about himself)
- Opens up about himself (his likes, dislikes, opinions, personal issues etc)
- Makes plans well in advance
Give him a -1 score for each of the following:
- Wanted you to go to his house BEFORE he has taken you out on a date
- Wanted you to drive further distance to meet him than he would to meet you
- Has never asked you out on a proper date
- Asked you to do something for him
- Changed plans so you could accommodate him
- Initiates less often than you
- Is sporadic and inconsistent with the frequency of his contacts
- You get mixed signals from him
- He is closed off (topics are strictly about work, sex or something very SAFE).
- Makes plans last minute
The higher he scores to 10/10, the more certain you can be he’s into you (but you probably knew that already).
In fact if he scored 10/10, not only is he super into you, he is a RARE gentlemen that needs to be cherished!
The closer to -10 he scores (or if he scores closer to zero), I’d say he’s either not into you OR in it for the wrong reasons. (This is not a bad thing. I’ll explain why at the end of this article).
4. He compliments you on a PERSONALITY trait
Personality compliments weigh more heavily than physical compliments. Look for compliments like: “you’re smart, intriguing, deep, insightful, perceptive, worldly”. Give him 2x more points than if he simply told you you’re “beautiful, cute, sexy, hot.”
Of course, be sure to ask him WHY he thinks you’re [a certain trait]. When you do this, you’re forcing him to use his brain. Any time you can do that, a man will become even more interested in you.
5. He Thinks Through His Answers
When a guy is into a girl, he thinks carefully about how to answer her questions. This is because he wants to impress her and doesn’t want to screw things up.
He’s not going to:
- Give you short answers
- Give you smartass answers
- Be dismissive in his response
- Be very general and vague
Instead he will:
- Think about the question BEFORE answering
- Provide a very well thought-out answer
- Give specifics and details
- Be willing to answer most if not ALL questions you ask him
- Ask questions to get to know you
6. His place AND his toilet are clean
If a guy is trying to impress you, he’s going to be conscious about being CLEAN for you. He isn’t going to invite you over to a dirty messy room. He isn’t going to let you use a dirty toilet. He’s not going to show up in clothes that look like it hasn’t being washed in a week.
Men generally keep their living quarters DIRTIER than women (generally). But rest assured if there’s a girl coming over and he’s into her, he’ll pull out all the stops to clean up his act – at least temporarily.
If you show up to a dirty and messy space, it may be a sign he didn’t care enough to clean up for you. Not bothering to put in effort = not that into you.
7. He Sells Himself On What a “Great” Boyfriend He’d Make
If a guy is into you for the right reasons, he’ll probably slip into the conversation:
- How good, respectful and caring he will treat a woman in a relationship
- How “terrible” other men are (pointing out guys who cheat and how low he thinks that behavior is)
- How he has never cheated on a girl before
- How he’s “ready” for a relationship and/or kids in the future
- How he “used” to be a player but is over that phase of his life.
- How he’s extremely loyal and committed (when in a relationship).
If a guy is into you for the WRONG reasons, he will:
- Primarily focus on sex or sexual topics
- Only organize activities where the two of you can be alone (for sex to happen).
- Talk about how GREAT he is in bed.
- Have mostly negative things to say about “relationships”.
- Warn you about him. (Eg. He’s not the best guy. He’s a little messed up. He has treated women poorly in the past).
- He’s going to be moving or travelling in the near future. (Preparing you he doesn’t want a relationship)
- He still goes out with his mates every weekend (presumably to pick up women).
It’s a no-brainer when a guy is into you. But even if the signs are not favourable, you could stay in DENIAL if you really like him. The tendency is to focus on the good, whilst mitigating the bad.
If you want to avoid wasting time and getting seriously hurt in the future, keep both eyes open for the good AND the bad. These signs are there for a reason.
You’ve made it to the end of the article. By now, you should have a clear idea if he’s into you or not. If he’s into you for the wrong reasons, I have good news for you!
Why it’s a GOOD thing he’s into you for the WRONG reasons
Now you may be wondering: How is this a good thing? He only sees me as a piece of meat. He just wants to use me for his own selfish gain. I’m not good enough for him to truly want me.
Here’s why it’s a good thing.
As much as strong, independent women hate to admit it – we NEED men’s approval and validation.
I know every Dating guru will preach: “you shouldn’t need a man’s approval. You have to love yourself…” blah blah blah.
The truth is women NEED men’s approval. Men also need women’s approval.
We need the approval to re-affirm our self-worth and to develop healthy self-esteems.
So, if you meet a man who is NOT boyfriend material – but he gives you attention and sometimes makes you feel good – use this guy to BOAST your self-esteem.
Consider him as a guy who is there to feed your ego. And that’s it!
You don’t want him to fall in love with you.
You don’t want him to become your boyfriend.
You don’t care what he does when he is not with you or talking to you.
You don’t care if he is dating or sleeping with 100 other girls.
You don’t care if he doesn’t clean his room or his toilet.
You will ONLY use him for an ego boast.
(And if he isn’t giving you attention right now, remember back to when he DID give you attention.)
This is going to sound weird at first.
Women usually want MORE than a man is willing to give. And women always complain about men being selfish.
Well, another word for a selfish person is a person who LOVES herself. So, be selfish! If a man will not put you first, put yourself first!
- Take his canned compliment and bask in it.
- Soak up the fact he wants to sleep with you.
- Enjoy his sad/pissed off reaction when you reject him.
- When he texts you after midnight, revel in the fact he is lonely and desperate for a girl to keep him company.
- Enjoy his annoyance when he calls and texts you repeatedly and you simply ignore or block him.
Can you see what all of this is doing? It’s raising your self-esteem. It’s training your brain men WANT you.
And when you’re feeling lonely, sad, miserable and down on yourself. Replay all the moments when a guy chased you and make yourself FEEL GOOD. That’s how you love yourself.
Just don’t go any further than using him for an ego boast. If you do, you’ll fall back into destructive low self-worth thinking.
Oh yea, and while you’re using Mr Wrong for your own selfish gain, you’re simultaneously making space for the RIGHT guy to come along.
It’s a win-win for all.
Why It’s a GOOD Thing If He’s NOT Into You
It’s normal to be a disappointed if a guy isn’t into you. But let’s not dwell on the negativity for too long.
Here’s why it’s a good thing if he’s NOT into you:
- You’ve accurately assessed a man’s behaviour. You’ve increased your social skills and dating knowledge!
- You can quickly move on to a guy who IS into you (and accurately assess he is into you).
- You will not allow a guy to waste any more of your time.
- You can more accurately advise your friends on what kind of guy to avoid.
- You will have more confidence dating men in the future. (Because you know what to look for).
Many women think dating is frustrating, disappointing and often a blow to their self-esteem.
But, I would like you to look at it differently.
Use your time “dating men” to increase your self-esteem and knowledge of men. Become smarter about dating. Be a “love thief”. Take the good and learn from the bad.
Always keep moving forward.