Men are scared of commitment, right? At least that’s what many men’s actions seem to say, but is that really true? Is there some secret to get him to commit, to give up his singlehood, his freedom and finally be your committed and devoted boyfriend?
When I was single, I ran into this common dilemma. Men just didn’t want to commit – primarily men in large cities like Shanghai, New York City and Sydney. So much so that I even moved to a smaller town, hoping that it was just a “big city” problem).
Although there’s some truth to that (big cities = too many options and the illusion that “the next one will be better” mentality), I now believe there’s more to it than that.
While reading this article, it reminded me of the very one-sided “men are dog” view that single women tend to adopt when “non-committal” men burn them one too many times.
By the way, from a self-development, positivity point of view – buying into the notion that “men are douches”, “men are dogs”, “men are…[fill in next derogatory term here that makes men the enemy and you and your girlfriends the weak helpless victim) is a self-fulfilling prophecy and you will “almost without fail” attract more of these types into your life.
Note: The only reason I know this is because I’ve been that woman, and it did absolutely nothing to improve my love life.
Get Him To Commit Truth #1 – Men are not scared of commitment and here’s why.
Every time I’m with a guy who has said they wanted to play around, have their fun and they’re not looking for anything serious, I ask them the question: “Ok, so if the ‘right’ girl came along, you would just turn her down and keep fooling around?”
They would always respond, “Well no, of course not. If the right girl came along, I would get into a relationship.”
Generally, women want a relationship more than men. Women don’t understand why a man would not want to commit if they’ve found a girl they really like… but to a man, “liking” a girl and “committing” to her are two very different things.
To a man, commitment denotes a loss of freedom, an added sense of responsibility, an emotional “contract” with a woman that basically says, he now needs to assume the role of a boyfriend and be responsible for her, which means:
- He needs to listen to all her problems
- He needs to do what she says or risk criticism and drama
- He has to give up his weekend to be with her, watch girly TV shows, listen to her gossip and pretend he actually wants to be there.
- He’ll have to watch her cry and spend hours trying to comfort her – even though he has a lot of work to do.
- He will most likely have to turn down invitations to hang out with his friends.
- Etc etc
You see a “boyfriend” assumes many roles that a casual partner doesn’t. Now you may be thinking, yes but a woman would also assume a “girlfriend” role. What exactly is a girlfriend’s role?
What are most modern women really offering that is valuable to a man in a relationship?
When I interviewed a group of men, many of them talked about the little amount women actually did for them in the relationship.
Every guy seemed to have dated at least one woman who had this entitlement mentality.
From what I heard from these men, these women didn’t want to cook, clean or take care of the guy. Or just didn’t know how. These women, whether they knew it or not, felt this was normal and probably just assumed the men were happy with this or else why would they be with them?
Note: the same can be said of men who do very little and expect the woman to do everything for him. I think a large part of this comes down to how you were raised by your parents. If you were not expected to lift a finger in your household, you’ll probably come to expect the same in a relationship.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make is, nearly every guy has being with a woman like this and after the relationship ends, they’re often bitter and wiser about it the next time they date.
It makes men in their 30s more wary of getting into a relationship.
Get Him To Commit Truth #2 – Quality Men Are High In Demand & Always Will Be
A man’s “market value” often goes up when they hit their 30s, while a woman’s value (her youthful skin, her perky breasts, her shining and full hair) start going down around the same time.
If you’re a woman re-entering the dating scene expecting things to be the same as it was in your 20s, you’re in for a rude awakening.
Early 20 something men will often bend over backwards to please a cute/hot young woman in her 20s who just needs to look good on his arm (and often she doesn’t even need to dress up or put make up on for this, her natural youth is value enough).
But 30 something men have had their heart broken, experienced their share of crazy exes and realized now they’re in demand. Women are chasing them now.
Added to that the fact that more women are likely to have a Bachelor degree than men, it adds to the notion that “good decent quality men” are rare.
Women at this age are also more seriously thinking of starting a family and they only have a certain amount of time to do it.
With all these things considered, a 30 something woman keen to start a family, with often higher standards than she did in her 20s, will experience a much tougher time dating all around.
Men (especially divorced men) are often not keen to jump right back into another committed relationship.
So what really is the incentive for a man to commit?
Let’s rephrase that question.
What do you have to offer a man that he can’t get anywhere else? That is still extremely valuable to him that he would want to commit?
The truth about getting a man to commit is…
You can’t “make” him commit. You can’t “make” him do anything. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. He has to want to commit to you because you’re that “right” girl for him.
Although men don’t like to talk about wanting a relationship or finding their soul mate, most men are monogamous and want a meaningful relationship. They want intimacy, closeness, trust and deep emotional bonding with another person. They desperately want to feel deeply loved and deeply accepted for who they are.
Most women can’t give them that and that’s why men are hesitant to commit. Why risk getting his heart broken, have half of his money taken (often all of his money), have his children taken away from him and basically lose “everything” when he can have pseudo casual relationships – play the “boyfriend” role every now and then and keep the things he’s earned hard for?
The real truth of it is if you want a man to commit, you must prove yourself to him; that you can be trusted and you can accept and love him for who he is, his flaws and all.
But before you do this you must make absolute sure he really is what you want.
Because the price you pay for picking the wrong guy is high.
Many women have been burnt and emotionally crippled by bad men too. Men who string them along, men who are selfish and just take, take and take. Men who expect a woman to wait on them hand and foot while they go behind her back to lie and cheat.
So you better make damn sure if you’re going to love, accept and honor this guy with all of your heart and soul and give him your all, you better be sure he deserves it.
And how can you really be sure he deserves it? That he’ll treasure your love and treat it as if it was precious to him? As something he needs to take super good care of?
You have to trust.
Do you see the dilemma here? Do you see the double standard?
Women want a man to commit, and yet they’re often not willing to pay the price that it comes with.
Most women don’t want to risk being vulnerable first. They don’t want to put in the effort. They don’t want to speak up about their feelings. They want the man to do it first and take all the risk.
If you want that man, you must make that first scary vulnerable move.
Provided you picked a good guy, a guy deserving of your love.
First, have one hard look at the man you want to commit to you. Scrutinize him closely. And ask yourself this one important question:
Is he someone WORTHY of your commitment?
Can you trust him? Is he honest with you about the important things? Does he respect your thoughts and feelings? Does he show you through his actions that he values you? Is he capable of giving you the time and attention that you deserve?
And then, ask yourself:
Am I willing to put in my part of the deal? Am I willing to be vulnerable in front of him, to have the patience to accept him for who he is, the patience to get through all of his issues and baggage and stand by him when he needs me?
Am I willing to invest in him and trust that he will come through for me and have my back at the end of the day?
If you can’t answer these questions then you need to go back to the drawing board.
- You need to spend more time getting to know him (because you don’t even know him well enough to be able to answer the above questions).
- OR he’s actually not as great as you first thought and you need to find someone who is deserving of your love and attention.
I encourage you to not rush into a commitment with any man. Especially when you see how much is really at stake here.
You must also have a realistic expectation of what a man can offer you before you’ve proven yourself to him.
If you know you haven’t proven yourself to him; you’re not putting in 100%, then you can’t expect him to commit to you. If this situation was the other way around and a man is not putting in his share of the deal, I also wouldn’t want you to commit to him.
True commitment can only come from a man when you have proven yourself to him and he has proven himself to you.
And this takes time.
Don’t expect it within 3 dates or in some cases even 3 months.
Judge him harshly and if there is enough of a connection between you, it should happen naturally.
Get Him To Commit Truth #3 – Compatibility Should Also Be Important
I see women will often find a great man; someone honest, loyal, caring and educated – only to be burned because when I ask them the real important question:
“Do you have anything in common? Was he really compatible with you?”
They’ll often answer, “Well, not really.”
Um… when did compatibility become not important?
Most men want to marry their best friend. If he can’t see you becoming his best friend, then he’s probably not going to commit to you.
Men who are serious about finding their partner will not waste time on superficial connections.
If that’s all you have, he’s not going to stick around. The sooner you also come to that same realization, the better. The good news is you can protect yourself from getting hurt. You can be wiser about who you invest time into. And you also can stop wasting your time and energy on the wrong people.
Be critical about whom you should date and whom you shouldn’t. Judge them based on important qualities that will compliment you and your unique lifestyle, rather than superficial qualities that every woman seem to want.
I reveal a simple yet powerful exercise to help you work out what you want here. (https://ashleykay.com/greatmen/)
The good news is you have a natural “ideal mate” detector. That comes from your brain.
Your brain has the ability to quickly analyze through millions of neurons and unconscious signals whether a man is “right” for you or not. Oftentimes the first five minutes of a meeting will tell you all you need to know.
Note: that’s why if you’re doing online dating, you must meet as soon as possible because no amount of backward and forward texting will reveal true compatibility.
Quality women are just as rare as quality men.
If it’s a quality man you want, you must be a quality woman in his eyes.
The good news is I believe anyone can be a high quality woman. A large part of what makes a woman “quality” is the perception of quality.
The reason for this is you may be the most amazing, kind-hearted, fun girl in the world, but if guys don’t know that then they won’t approach you nor spend the time getting to know you.
So the perception of quality is just as important as real quality.
If you want to know how to show up as a high quality woman and get great men chasing after you and wanting to commit to you, check out my free video presentation here.