Do you miss your ex? Do you want your ex back? Did you hear something about using No Contact or the No Contact Rule to see if that will help to get your ex to talk to you again?
Well here’s the thing, most people, without realizing it, end up using No Contact directly or indirectly anyway.. because if your ex is ignoring you or won’t talk to you, well… what else are you going to do except not talk to them. This is basically a forced “no contact”. But it doesn’t feel good because it’s not like you had control over this situation. You’re not choosing to do it to get them back, you’re doing it because your ex is simply not talking to you!
This isn’t much of a plan.
Second, even if you do try to “ignore your ex” and use no contact, what happens when they contact you? What do you say? How can you make sure you don’t screw up the conversation – as many do – and fall back into no contact, or worse, end up in the friendzoned?
In this article, I’m going to share my Advanced No Contact strategy. The way to use no contact correctly, that will make your ex chase after you, see you as a love interest (instead of a friend) and will want to be back in a “relationship” with you.
There are some sneaky and extremely powerful psychology hidden in this article, the concept contained within can be extremely powerful and can certainly be used to manipulate and harm, but I trust that you won’t be doing that – right? If you love your partner and believe your love was special that I know you’ll do the right thing and do what’s best for BOTH of you.
Step 1 – Establish a game plan
The first thing you need to do before you even consider no contact is to establish a GAME PLAN.
Consider this like playing a game of chess with your ex! Your ex has made a move by deciding to break up and stop talking to you. That’s their decisive move. They’ve now made their position known and they expect you to “counter” their move. Don’t believe me? Your ex knows what they’re doing when they choose to be cold towards you and ignore you, they’re not doing this arbitrarily. It’s not RANDOM. They know it will create some noise and ruffle your feathers. It is “strategic”.
Most people react to this by “getting pissed off”, “sending text essays”, “getting desperate”, having crazy thoughts and perhaps even doing crazy things to get the ex’s attention, eg. drivebys, stalkerish behaviour, stealing your ex’s stuff, eavesdropping on mutual friends about what they may have said about you, are just some of the crazy scenarios in this category of “desperate behaviour”.
You are NOT going to do this!
Remember, your ex is FEARFUL (that’s right, they’re bracing themselves) that you will react in this way, so they’re prepared to “stay away from you”.
Instead, you do something clever, unexpected and most importantly, extremely effective.
Step 2 – Take A Position
In order to reclaim control, power, and confidence, you must take ONE of two positions.
The Offense Position or The Defense Position.
Your position should NOT be random. It should be dictated by WHY you broke up. Here’s how.
Take the Offense If:
Your EX is in the wrong and in all honestly YOU should be forgiving them!
Your ex cheated, lied, withdrew from your relationship, and was incredibly difficult or unreasonable towards the end of your relationship.
If you feel in all honesty they should be thanking you instead of dumping you, take the offense.
Take the Defense if:
You are in the wrong. You screwed up.
You were selfish, complacent, irresponsible, arrogant, stubborn, lied, cheated and PUSHED your ex away.
As a general rule, if your ex was the one to screw up, then you take the offense position. If you were the one to screw up, then you should be taking the defense position.
However, as we know when it comes to break-ups it’s not often clearcut who is in the wrong!
If this is the case, ask a friend. Pick a friend who is going to be really, really honest with you, and is not just going to take your side because of the “friend loyalty”.
Explain your break-up situation. If their response is something like “I know why he/ she broke up with you” or “ I understand why he/ she dumped you” – then it’s likely you were the one that screwed up.
Alternatively, if your friend reacts with surprise at what happened or says things like “I don’t understand why they would do that to you”. Then chances are your ex is in the wrong.
Before you take a position, you need to be COMPLETELY HONEST with yourself. If you lie, this won’t work.
If you still can’t establish who is responsible for the break-up or what position you should take, then do the opposite of what you think you should do, or what your ex expects you to do.
Let me explain.
Are you the one to always say sorry or try to make-up with your ex? Then you should probably take the Offense position, the opposite of what you would normally do.
The position you choose should NOT be easy. By human nature, we want to do what’s easy, but what’s easy is often the least effective solution.
On the other hand, if you tend to believe you “know it all” and “you like to be right” – it may serve you more to take the Defense position.
It’s VERY important you take a Position. The stronger your position to “counter” your ex – the more chance you have of winning them back.
The Offense Position
What you do:
You’re essentially BREAKING UP with Your Ex.
- You will send a message and tell your ex you agree with the break up, in fact, you want to break up with THEM because of so and so reasons.
- Do NOT be nasty. Say “We’re too different. We want different things.” Instead of “You’re nothing but a selfish liar and I hope you go to hell and die.” Be as logical and emotionally distant as possible whilst you “break up” with your ex.
- This “reverse psychology” tactic will affect your ex if they are arrogant, selfish, spoiled or have never been dumped/rejected before. It will get to them.
This move works well on a psychological level as you are showing your ex something new. Break-ups can occur because an ex thinks they know everything about you. They may think you’re boring or not stimulating enough for them.
When you ‘flip’ your position from your usual behavior, you are shocking the system. Showing them a new side of you, and this is a very magnetic quality. Everyone loves a shiny new thing!
The Defense Position
What you do:
You’re throwing yourself under the bus and agree with your ex you’re a terrible person and deserve what you’re getting.
- You will send a message agreeing with your ex’s decision to leave you because you deserve it. You’re a jerk, liar, bastard, bitch, worst of the worst for what you did to your ex.
- This “reverse psychology” tactic is most attractive and appealing to exes who are empathetic, overly giving, tries hard to please and “fix” the relationship while in it.
Why does this move work well?
It’s because you’re using Humility, and this can be a very attractive trait. We are so used to people wanting to talk themselves up, that when we see someone putting themselves down, we naturally feel sorry for them. We want to make them feel better.
This is a very sneaky, but powerful, psychological tactic that I know many people use. However, it is only valuable if your ex doesn’t expect it from you.
Step 3 – Keep Your Message SHORT
Keep both messages short and to the point.
Do NOT end the message with a question or leave it hanging mid-air. It should sound like a “goodbye” message even if you don’t say “goodbye”. Expect your message to have NO REPLY.
The reason WHY this works so well is due to a concept called “Shocking The System”.
Most of the time when an ex wants out of the break up it’s because they presume they know everything about their partner and the relationship. There is no “newness” anymore.
When you take a position and do something completely OPPOSITE to what you would do and what your ex expects you to do, it affects them psychologically due to “Shocking The System”.
This will flip a tiny switch in their closed off mind called “DOUBT”.
Once even a bit of doubt seeps into your ex’s mind it’s like a DOOR being opened.
This is a door for your ex to listen, to communicate with you, to consider what you have to say.
It’s VERY important you “open that door” BEFORE you do anything else!
Or else they’ll probably just block you, tell you to go away or abuse you in other lovely ways (sarcasm).
Once you’ve taken your position, NOW you are ready for no contact.
Step 4 – What is No Contact Exactly?
When I refer to no contact, I do not mean you ignore your ex or completely shut them off.
No contact simply means removing availability.
Think about no contact like this.
Example are celebrities. Celebrities are the highest perceived people in society. We assume it is very difficult for most of us to access them or speak to them in person. We believe you have to be in the right circles and jump through a lot of hoops to get to them.
The reason they have this ‘high perceived value’ is the outcome of that ‘hard-to-get’ image they have.
Time to play the game
So what you want to do with no contact, is to remove your availability and raise your perceived value. You want to become hard to get hold of. Just like a celebrity.
One way you can establish the dynamic correctly is, after your ex sends you a message, to make them WAIT for a period of time before answering. There are no specific amount of time to wait. Just wait slightly longer than you normally would.
I understand that in some circumstances you need to respond immediately. You may have a business together or children you need to parent. However, you can still create the illusion of exclusivity.
To create this illusion, you need to switch off your emotions and switch on your logical side. When communicating with your ex, you need to be factual and focus on action. Not emotion! Whilst this may feel a little cold at first, it is all about creating distance.
How to know the no contact strategy is working?
So you have flipped your usual behavior. Playing ‘hard-to-get-hold-of’ and are either taking the offensive or defensive position. All of a sudden you are becoming magnetic to your ex.
Your ex finds themselves wondering “who is this person?’. “I haven’t seen this side of them before”. Now, as soon as your ex starts thinking “this is something new”, it will start to trigger self-doubt. And when this creeps in (mixed with your unavailability), they will become more hungry to talk to you.
Once they do talk to you, and your behavior is slightly distant and logical, then they become the emotional one. They will start to chase after you.
See how you have flipped that around?
Once your ex starts to chase after you, it is usually a good sign they are ready to have a conversation about your relationship.
But just be a little wary. You don’t want to have wasted all this effort for you to end up having to convince them to get back together. It should be a joint decision.
If anything, be a little more hesitant about rekindling the relationship. It may sound very counterintuitive, but in this situation, it will actually push your ex to want to work harder to make the relationship work.
Avoid “Quick Reconciliations”!
If this article hadn’t blown your mind yet, then this one might. Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT want to rush back into a relationship. You also do NOT want your ex to rush back into the relationship. Why? Ever heard of “buyer’s remorse”? There’s also a “get back together”-remorse too. Your ex may rush back to be with you, but then they may get cold feet. Or perhaps the reason they wanted to try again was that they pitied you and wanted to be “the good guy”. These are all terrible reasons to get back together, and in the end, will just end up breaking your heart 10x more.
Your ex should want a relationship with you because they want to be there, not because they were pushed into it.
I appreciate there is A LOT of information here to comprehend. If you would like to understand more on how to advance no contact strategy or how to get your ex back, then check out my program the Ex Recovery System.